A Day In My BiPolar Life..Or Is It? Am I Here?
I wake each morning slowly. My medication makes me feel like I am waking from a coma each day instead of a nights sleep. It would probably bug me, but before the medication I would wake up screaming and thrashing about from the graphic, violent and disturbing nightmares that I would have each and every night. You’d be surprised how poorly you sleep when every time you drift off you see graphic images of you killing and eating other people, and that’s on the more mellow nights…..anyway, now that I have a good combination of medications, the dreams are a little less frequent. I still have them but they “feel” more passive if that makes any sense.
So, after I get up, it usually takes at least 3 or 4 cups of coffee before I really start to feel like I haven’t taken a Valium in the last 20 minutes. The more awake I become, the more I start having secondary thoughts to every thought that goes through my head. I see a bird outside, and in my head I see it dead and rotting. I see a neighbor walking her dog and I get a flash of an out of control car crashing into her, smearing her all over the sidewalk. This secondary train of thoughts pretty much goes through my head all day every day, the medication just makes it a little easier to ignore them. If I don’t hear from my wife when she gets to work, all types of scenarios involving her death track through the back of my mind until I hear from her. I try to ignore them but some days they bug me more than others, I love her so much i don’t know how I could go on without her. I usually close all the blinds in my house every morning. My neighbor is in the military and I think he watches me sometimes. I rant a lot about the government online and I wonder sometimes if I’m on a list somewhere and if I’ll be found drown in my bathtub one day. I try to get things done around the house that my wife needs done….some days I do better than others. One day I’ll get a lot done, the next I tend to drift off into visions when I look at things. I lose minutes most days, here and there, and I don’t always remember what was in my mind at the time. On the days when I go out into public, to run errands or go to school, I look down a lot. I don’t like people looking in my eyes. I feel like they’ll see my anger, my hate for all of them. I feel it bubbling like water starting to boil the more time I spend among them and, depending on the day, I have at times snapped at people angrily who have asked me for the time, or to borrow a cigarette.
I usually get home before noon and am exhausted. The medication is time release and by noon each day I am so wiped out that if I don’t nap for an hour or two I appear to have not slept in days by 5 or 6 o’clock that evening. I pick up the kids from school around 3:15 most days(I also drop them off in the morning around 8). I love my kids. They are my stepchildren but they are the light of every one of my days. When I’m spending time with them I feel happy, much more easily able to block out my thoughts. Many days, the rush I feel when helping them with their homework, making dinner for them and my wife, leaves me in a euphoric state, almost hyperactive. This “up” can last for minuets or days, it’s hard to tell sometimes. Once my wife gets home, her love is like a blanket for me. A peaceful hum that drowns out the voices, at least until i fall asleep.
There are days though, when the voices, the thoughts, are so bad that nothing blocks them out. I feel so angry those days, not at anyone I know but rather the rest of the reality around me. Those days, I always hear the voice but unlike other days, I see them in my mind. They come in the form of me, my doppelganger. He is everything I hate. His eyes are dark, his thoughts are evil and full of hate. He sees all my fears, all my failures. He laughs at me, tries to bring me down but fuck him, that’s what I usually think, but some days he really gets to me. He takes the blackness in my soul and rams it in my face, forces me to wonder whether I am really him, or really me. I want to kill him but I can’t without killing me first. I was going to at one point but love has kept me from that, it has become a wall that constantly rebuilds itself every time he knocks bricks out of it.Thank God for Renee…I love her far more than i love myself, but I think if I can always make her happy that will always make me happy and my life will have a purpose instead of being the vile pit it is, lying at my center.